An infertility ass kicking warrior.

Is there something wrong these days with women and enjoying pregnancy?

Being pregnant is a true miracle.

Maybe it's because I have battle wounds from fighting infertility and coping with loss. But I appreciate every second of being pregnant and every sigh of relief at every appointment when you hear the words "The baby is looking good!" 

For someone to have such negative comments after I post something positive about my pregnancy is hard to understand. (And yet they say they know exactly what I am going through…but have NEVER experienced infertility/loss) But it also seems to be hard for them to get where I am coming from. Hearing someone say once you hit a certain period of pregnancy, you will want that baby out or stating how miserable pregnancy is….do they not realize that there are thousands of women that wish they could get pregnant?! One thing they are right about…every pregnancy is different. So before you try to freak me out about your pregnancy and how awful it is therefore I shouldn't be positive, remember what you said….every pregnancy is different. I just happen to enjoy and appreciate mine.

This is not to say that I won't be exhausted or anything like that but I think pregnancy is a blessing. It took us five years and a loss to get to this point. I try hard to remain positive when the back of my mind, I fear of hearing those words again…that our baby is gone. To feel little flutters, kicks, any sort of movement is a blessing. To get sick, lightheaded, dizzy….all worth it. I want my baby to "bake" as long as it needs to make sure it is healthy. You're lucky you don't know what infertility/loss is like. Just because you gave birth, doesn't mean you're an expert on how it'll work for me.

So please, the next time you're trying to argue with me about my positive news, think again who you are talking to. 

An infertility ass kicking warrior. 

"Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle." -Erma Bombeck

**This blog is not directed at anyone is particular but if you feel that way, this is my personal blog to get my feelings out for others to hopefully, maybe see why I like to be positive.

"What really happened was"…the joys of TTC.

**Warning : this may be TMI but hey, this is all part of infertility and ttc. 
***I am not trying to market any products but this is what I believe got us pregnant. 

Some people have wondered and asked how we got pregnant.

And often, people "assume" it's because we "stopped trying." That is a peeve of mine. We got pregnant  because we "stopped trying." No. We stopped trying plenty of times during the 5 years we had been trying but we have never prevented it either. I always figured I got pregnant the 1st time because I started taking herbs. I took Dong Quai, Evening Primrose Oil, and Vitex. And then there was this stuff called Preseed. It's a sperm-friendly lubricant that helps the little guys up there without killing them as other lubricants would.

Soon after taking the herbs and using the Preseed during that cycle, I was pregnant. I always thought that I had lost the baby because I quit taking the herbs as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

We decided to accept being childfree after the miscarriage. One night, we got down to *business* and decided to use Preseed just for some extra fun. I remember telling my husband "Don't worry, I am not taking the herbs anymore so I won't get pregnant." (Assuming the herbs helped me get pregnant last time.) A few weeks later, around 3w2d to be exact, I found out I was pregnant.

I truly believe it was the Preseed. I had used it only those 2 times and both times, I found out I was pregnant. We are praying hard that this one is a healthy, full term pregnancy. I am currently using Progesterone Cream twice a day…they won't test me for low progesterone at the clinic I go to. I have my first ultrasound this afternoon and I am nervous! During our last pregnancy, our first ultrasound is the day we found out the news that I had a missed miscarriage. It's bringing back a lot of emotions but I have to try my best to keep the faith.

UPDATE!!!!! Here is Baby Fish!!! Our appointment went well. My doctor is pleased…and we are relieved!!! EDD March 5th, 2015.

Our Rainbow <3

The raw emotions of pregnancy after miscarriage

Just stay positive.

Sometimes, that is easier said than done. The first few days after finding out I was pregnant, I was so negative. I kept telling my husband "IF we have the baby…," etc. Emotionally, I had been preparing myself for another miscarriage assuming this is all this pregnancy will come to yet again. I was telling myself that I had been through one before and that I will be able to handle another if I don't get attached like I did with our first baby. My thoughts now were about if they would have a future, if I would become a mom to a living and thriving child, and the conflicting feelings of fear and excitement. I was no longer concerned about the after-fact of having a child. I was more focused on how I could carry this baby to term.

You see other pregnant women gloating over their pregnancy and wishing you could have the same confidence as them. The thoughts of having our first ultrasound is terrifying. I will have to go back to that day from our previous pregnancy and hearing those words "Sorry, but there is no heartbeat." That is something no mother ever wants to hear. My mind constantly sweeps through the very real memories of physical pain and ends with the vivid, breathless, heart pounding, soul pain that accompanies loss. Will future babies be lost? Will this one I am carrying now? The loss of pregnancy or a child changes everything. You mourn the loss of your child, dodge less-than supportive comments, fight to find a new normal, and the innocence of pregnancy has been changed in your eyes forever.

If you’ve not lost that amazing innocence, it may be hard to understand the effects that this experience can have. Pregnancy is no longer this miracle that occurs — something that you stand back and watch. It becomes scarier — not because of how things will change, but because of a hope that things will change.

That history won’t repeat itself.

For anyone who has ever gone through a miscarriage and is currently expecting, take it one day at a time. Know that you are not alone. These emotions you may be experiencing are normal for someone going through what we have been through. Breathe and cry when needed. Talk to someone about how you're feeling. And always remember, God has your back.

As for me, I am now trying to talk more positive and keep the faith that God has this. God will take care of me and the baby. He has a special plan for us.

She does not fear bad news; she confidently trusts the Lord to take care of her.  -psalm 112:7



Prayer for Pregnancy Health

Lord, thank you for perfect health and wholeness in my body. Because I believe in Jesus, I have been redeemed from a fallen nature and freed from its curse. I have been bought with a price and restored to right standing with God. Therefore, I am sealed by the blood of Jesus, which makes me a partaker of God’s richest blessings. The scriptures reveal that children are a gift and God’s reward. According to Proverbs 10:22, “the blessings of the Lord makes one rich and He adds no sorrow with it.” Therefore, I will experience great joy and undisturbed peace during my pregnancy. I will not have a difficult pregnancy nor will I have hard labor. Jesus died on the cross to take away my sickness and pain and by His stripes I am healed. I pray for a good medical report regarding all prenatal blood testing, routine physicals, ultrasounds, and readiness for childbirth. Moreover, I pray that any symptoms I experience will be mild, manageable, and minimally require any medicines or medical intervention. Thank you, Lord, for my continued good health during my pregnancy. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The big word we never thought we'd see again.

PREGNANT.

A word we never thought we would see again.

For the past week, I noticed my body changing in a way I had gone through once before. I was experiencing nausea, a massive 6 day long headache, flickers in my stomach, heavy boobs, and oh the mood spells! I knew this wasn't AF coming. It was different. I just knew….

About 3-4 days ago, I had taken 2 tests and saw a veryyy faint positive. I decided to take a digital Clearblue that spells it out to make it easier. It came back saying Not Pregnant. I called my doctor and told her the situation asking for a blood test. I haven't had a missed period yet. She put an order for me to have one done. The following day, my HCG count was above 5 but still a low 14.7. She told me to take another blood test in 48 hours to see if my HCG levels double. Which I will be doing in 2 more hours. Yesterday, I decided to take another Clearblue test. And sure enough, I saw those words: PREGNANT. I knew it. Tomorrow, I will be 4 weeks.

Ever since our miscarriage, I quit charting everything except keeping track of my periods. We were done. We decided to accept the child free life. Five years of trying and a miscarriage was enough for us.  I know some people out there may say that it is because we stopped trying. No, I do not believe that. We had quit trying before but for all of our 5 years of being together, we have never tried to prevent it either. I believe God saw my pain that I went through with my miscarriage. He knew how much we were hurting. He gave us time to heal.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm not scared. I am terrified. We are taking a more "chill" approach about it and we aren't announcing to our families until I am further along and we know everything is okay. Please take some time to say a prayer for us. For a healthy, full term baby. Thank you all who have kept up with my blogs and for thinking of us. It's amazing how quick life can change….


UPDATE: My hcg levels from the 2nd test TRIPLED!!! The doctors are doing what they can to monitor the baby. Please please please pray that we will be holding our healthy baby in our arms!!!! EDD March 6th, 2015.